Ok, this is going to be a strange post and to be honest I don't know where it will end up. I am typing it on my phone, for a starter and I am a little bit tipsy. I wanted to write about this yesterday already but the usual inhibitors steered me from letting it go. If you don't have kids and don't want to hear about princesses and evil witches you can probably skip this post. It's going to be a little bit sad. And scary, as every fairy tale is.
You have to know that I have always obsessed about death, since I was very young and I blame it on Disney. At age 3 I was told the story of SnowWhite and I understood that there was more to the story than my parents wanted me to know. I felt mortality at age 3 and that feeling never abandoned me. Growing older I had frequent panic attacks and even now sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel mortal for a few minutes. It's an experience and you get it or you don't get it, it is what the religious of middle age called exstasis, with the difference that they experienced God and I experience mortality.
It is by natural instinct that I always wanted to protect my daughter from Disney princesses. I deliberately left her in the dark about SnowWhite, Aurora, Cinderella and co. Because there is always a witch and there is death everywhere. But she was becoming a weirdo. Her friends at school would talk constantly about sleeping beauty or Belle or Cinderella marrying the prince and she wouldn't understand. She was left out, so I had to do something. I started reading her some fairy tales (changing the story a little bit: nobody was going to die but just sleep forever). The next step would be watching a Disney princess DVD.
I rented "Tangled" by eliminating all the other Disney classic DVDs. thinking it would be a safe choice. It is popular and after all Rapunzel in the Disney version of the Grimm Brothers story is a modern princess, a feminist as they say.
Yes, Tangled is pretty special. The future prince is a thief, for a starter but most importantly mommy is the witch. Thank you Disney, I really needed that. Now my daughter probably thinks that I have kidnapped her when she was a baby and I am a witch. After all I scream at her too, right? I tried to tell her that she wasn't really a witch because she didn't have special powers and she couldn't cast a spell but all she could think of was witch. But wait, Rapunzel loves her! Yes, it's because she thinks she is her mommy. Crap! And you know when the witch dies at the end? My daughter wanted to know what she was doing like that on the floor (thank you Disney for leaving the witch's dead body at the bottom of the tower instead of making it disappear). I guess you can't really protect them from all this.
My grandfather died last Saturday in Italy. I didn't tell her, of course I wanted to protect her from such a thing. I didn't want to try to explain not because she is too young to understand but because she is too human not to understand. Disney will explain it all for me. Fairy tale after fairy tale, movie after movie.
My grandfather died last Saturday.
And I am the witch.
I am the witch.
I am the witch.
Ema, so sorry for the loss of your Grandfather. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteEma, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. It must be hard being so far away.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from re: disney princesses. I loved fairy tales growing up the real sometimes scary fairy tales that I READ in books, but I hated the movies made out of them in particular the disney ones.
Why must the mother always be dead in those movies? I did let my children watch them when they were about 6 and up but I think my daughter never got into the princess craze because I pointed out to them that I did not like the movies because the mother's were always missing from their lives.
Interestingly, Snow White was the one that stuck with me too as a child.
Take care, hope I made some sense and again I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. You were very lucky to have him so long in your life; mine passed away when I was very young.
xx
Ema, my deepest condolences for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Just remember, the more you make it an issue with a child, the more it becomes an issue. You can't assume the movies will have the same effect on your daughter as they did on you. You're a wonderful mommy and because of that all will be OK!
ReplyDeleteEma I am so sorry you have lost your Grandfather. My Grandfathers were both very special to me and for you to be so far away makes it doubly hard.
ReplyDeleteThat stupid Tangled movie with the Witch for a Mother who then dies and is left to rot on the ground actually disturbed BOTH of my daughters, 16yo and 8yo. My oldest couldn't believe it, it was the only Mother Rapunzel knew and there was no mourning or anything, just off to the next song.
Otherwise they like the movie and we even bought it in the 3D version.
I myself was obsessed with Cinderella as a child, not sure what that says about me but there is something there I'm sure.
I like this post I really love your writing!
xo Dani
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ReplyDeleteam sad to hear about your grandfather. It may be even more difficult in your case since you are living abroad. I hope you find comfort in your family and friends to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI do not have kids and never thought about the issues you mentioned, but I do remember my mom being like that with other issues. Seeing her anxious about them made me feel there was a reason to fear (for instance the dentist, even when I had not gone to one at the time, I didn't lose the fear until I went to one). It is true that things around us have an influence, but I think parents are our biggest influence at that age. So, I am sure your daughter will do just fine, she has an amazing mom! I have also noticed that kids are very smart, you can help her understand what she is seeing.
Ema: I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. :)
ReplyDeleteEma, the fact that you think about this at all shows how lucky your daughter is to have you as a mom. I have my own morbid anxieties and maybe I will share them with you one day. But funny thing, I am starting to see the world through my children's eyes and that forces me to change some of my attitudes. I think we are both growing up together. We'll see.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about your grandfather. I live a 24-hour-plane-ride from my parents, so I can imagine how tough it is being away from family during this time.
Dear Ema, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you have happy memories of your dear grandfather to hold on to and to share with your daughter as she grows up.
ReplyDeleteDear Ema I am so sorry for your loss. It is obvious to me in your posts what a thoughtful and caring mother you are. xo
ReplyDeleteEma, I'll add my condolences for the loss of your grandfather.
ReplyDeleteAs for Disney, my 6 year old was also very upset at the death in Tangled, but I think the rapid-aging of the witch bothered her more-Disney can be questionable at times, definitely.
I'm so sorry to hear of your grandfather. It is so hard to lose a loved one and confront mortality.
ReplyDeleteSnow White terrified me as well. And I wasn't *that* young when I saw it - 7 or so? I have always been a worst-case-scenario, cautious person - since childhood -so maybe that has something to do with it.
I know of two schools of thought about fairy tales, and I'm not sure which one I agree with. One is that they exposs children to evil in the world through an imaginiative story and they can start to cope with it without it being real to them. The other is that they are horrible tales (the parents leave them in the forest, shoving someone in the oven, evil stepmothers, etc) and children shouldn't be exposed to that. Oh, and then there are the no-nonsense people like my grandmother who wonder what all the fuss is about anyway. Anyway, I digree. You are clearly a special mother to your little girl and of course she doesn't think you are the witch any more than she thinks she lives in the Plaza (Eloise) or romps around in the elephant jungle city (Babar), for example. Take care.
Ema,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. May you find peace and I am sure a part of him, is in your own daughter:)
So sorry for your loss, Ema!
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss Ema. Until you did this post I really never thought about fairy tales. I have 2 girls and I am not sure they have ever seen Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. They did see Belle and Ariel though. I took my 9 yr old to see Tangled and thought it was really good, loved the music. I had forgoten about the part where the evim "mom" died and was left laying there. My daughter didn't say a thing about it. You make a really good point in your post and I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteEma. so sorry for the loss of your Grandfather.
ReplyDeleteEma, I'm sorry about your loss.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I was young it was Bambi that traumatized me. I have three children, a 3 year old boy, a seven year old daughter and a 19 year old daughter from a previous marriage. The younger ones and I saw tangled at the theater and loved it. No questions, but we do have quite the collection of disney movies and the running joke is a parent always dies in a disney movie.
The nineteen year old was very sheltered when she was younger. Small private christian schools and not allowed to do a lot of things that other kids were allowed to do. That led to teenage rebellion and eventual socialization issues even still apparent at age 19. She now sees a therapist and I often think that our trying to protect her from the "evil" world out there has made her unable to often deal with the normal world out there. She is getting better, does not like to be far from home but I can't help but think somehow I failed on my "starter" child by trying too hard to keep her safe and protected.
Just something to think about. Best of luck with your daughter, and terribly sorry about your loss.
My grandmother died a few weeks ago, so I know how hard it is. My sympathy to you.
ReplyDeleteDon't know how old your daughter is, but when my grandfather died (I was 9) I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, and it bothered me a lot. My mother was trying to protect me, but it made me feel left out, as if I wasn't part of the family. Bothered me for years. I know the situation isn't the same, but for what it's worth, I think kids should be allowed to share in the sad times as well as the happy times, otherwise they are being shut out of part of life.
Disney movies I agree are a bad influence. We aren't all princesses and it isn't all happy endings.
Ema, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to be far way.
ReplyDeleteI would share another perspective on fairy tales and that is that such stories, which exist in some form in all cultures, embody primal fears and truths. They raise the very things we all fear: abandonment by parents, the battle between good and evil, the power of children to survive. Not telling the tales does not mean children are not already thinking about these things. I have far more trouble with the princes who swoop in to save the day than I do with the witches and deaths.
Also remember, you are the mother of your daughter and you are making thoughtful decisions...just remember she is her own self....